Anger

 Sunday 

05-31-2026

Yesterday I went and watched Backrooms with my son. I liked the movie a lot.  There was no resolution. And I think that was the best choice because if there had been resolution then the backrooms story would have died.  No resolution lets the story continue.

I bought some differin gel yesterday at Wal-Mart.  It comes in a box. When I got home, I opened the box and it was empty. Someone had stolen the product.  Now, I have to go to Wal-Mart again and see if they will let me get a new one. 

I want to write about 500 things, and I don't want to write at all.  

I'm angry because you got off free.  

Angry because I'm over here suffering and missing you. 

You are over there with your friends and your normal family.

Having a great time.  You probably feel so relieved that I'm gone. 

They've probably already set you up with someone new. 

I wish everyone knew what I knew.  

I still have the letter. I'm not going to lie .......

Sometimes I want to send it to everyone in that town. 

Just pick random addresses and send it .............

Find our who your new girl is and send it to her. 

I can't do it. I won't. Revenge is God's alone. 

Revenge for what anyway ........

Revenge or warning her ......

Did you act that way because of how I was acting   or 

is that your true self...........

Why did T end your engagement ....

Why did you scream at me 

Why did you leave me in the driveway 

Why were you always criticizing me 

You hated it when K would say At least, you're pretty 

You hated it 

Why did you always say it to me 

I'm not stupid.  I was stupid with you 

I felt stupid, I had no confidence 

With you 

Well, I found myself again. 

Guess what?

I am pretty. 

I am intelligent. 

I have a great sense of humor. 

I am a child of God. 

I am a daughter of the King. 

I have good ideas. 

                                                                Never Again 

This is me healing. 

 

   

Navigating in the Dark

 May 30, 2026

Saturday 

What am I doing. 

I'm going to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. Its Grace Church.  Grace is a Calvary Chapel.  Have you seen the movie The Jesus Movement?   Google it.   Grace has a radio station called Radio by Grace. They play sermons from different pastors from different Calvary Chapels all over the United States. 

Yesterday I went hiking again. I hiked the CCC trail. Its starts at the bottom of the canyon and goes to the rim. Well, the trail actually starts at the top at the visitor center and goes down to the canyon floor. But I start at the bottom and go up to the visitor's center and then go back down.  I would rather get the uphill over with first. The hike is a really good workout and has awesome views. 

I found a rock or something. It was sticking out of the canyon wall.  It looks like a small clay disc. I don't know if it's a concretion or a pottery game piece from a long time ago, or what. I will include a photo.  I'm writing this because after I found it, I realized all over again that I don't have you anymore. I can't show you the rock. And I really want to. So, I was hiking and crying.  We used to hunt for rocks together. It was so much fun. I left all the rocks we found at your place when I left. I wish I had kept them.  

I want my jewelry box and my earrings you bought me for Valentines Day.  I want my hat. I want the notebook from when you were in MDC.  I want the Pano art you made for me!  I wish I hadn't left all that stuff behind.  I wish I could tell you to send it to me.  

I wish you would come and tell me to come back.  I wish you would .............  I wish 

Fight for me...... Did you ever truly love me?   Throw caution to the wind.... Tell everyone you don't 

care what they think ........ you love me and everything is going to work out ......... Everything would 

have eventually worked out.  Your friends always came before me.  What your friends thought....

their feelings mattered ........................  mine never did. 

Regret

 May 01, 2026

Friday

Three weeks ago, today I drove away from what I thought was my forever home. I drove away and left the love of my life.  I didn't want to leave. I wanted to fight for us. But he was done. 

He's done.  He doesn't want me anymore.  He chose his path. I have to choose mine.  Without him.

Is he sad? Does he miss me?  Has he already found someone else?  

I am not checking his Facebook. I'm not texting him or calling him.  There is no chance of me ever seeing him again because we live 6 hours away from each other now.  I just can't check his Facebook. I know he will find someone else soon and I just can't bear to know about it. It would hurt too much.  I'm not posting on Facebook either.  We are still Facebook friends.  He hasn't deleted me. I try to stay away from my page because his picture is on there on the friend's section and it just causes me pain to see it. 

I know people will tell me to block him.  I just can't bring myself to do it. How do you block the person you are in love with? How do you erase them from your life? 

His family are my friends on Facebook too.  I can't delete them.  I love his family. 

So, for now, I'm just playing it safe. I'm laying low to protect myself. 

I was the cause of this. This is all my fault. 

I didn't cheat on him. I would never do that.  Loyalty is my best quality.  

What was my crime?  My crime was not trusting him. All the stupid things I did......

What I said to Y............  

I need to lay this all out. I need to find out why I didn't trust him.  Did he contribute to any of this? Is there a reason for my lack of trust?  I did trust him sometimes. But why not all of the time? 

I've got to go through the entire relationship bit by bit.  I have to figure out why this happened. 

I should have tried harder. 

Devastation

 May 02, 2026 

Saturday 

 No job yet.  I've been on 3 interviews.  

I'm starting over.  I never wanted this to happen.  

I hate staying with my parents. 

Wednesday was a good day.  My friend T called and we went and had coffee.  We had a good talk. Then I got my nails done.  In the evening I went to church and sat with my friend and counselor J.  But I am still dealing with loneliness.  As I left the church parking lot, I could see people standing around talking.  J had stopped and was talking to a woman.  Seeing all of this just made me feel lonely.  I hate being alone. 

I don't want to be alone!  I want a boyfriend - husband.  I want a partner.  

I have to trust God. I left a sinful relationship.  We were having pre-marital sex and God plainly states in the Bible that pre-marital sex is a sin.  But I can't take credit for leaving the relationship because I was forced to leave. I didn't want to.  

Thursday, I had an interview in the morning with TPC.  It was for a case manager position with the mobile crisis team.  I don't think I will get it.  I have no experience as a case manager even though I do have the degree. He said they had a lot of applicants.  I am sure they will hire someone with more experience. All I can do is pray and keep applying. I know that God will find me the right job. I just have to trust him.  But that is something I don't do very well. 

After the interview I went home. I was hoping to have some time alone in the house before my parents came back from the barn. I drove by the back to see if the truck was there and it was gone. Thinking that they had both gone to the barn like they normally do, I walked into the house but then I saw the bathroom door was closed in their bedroom and I realized my dad hadn't gone. I just didn't want to be around him so, I decided to go to the barn and see the horses. After spending time at the barn, I didn't really want to spend the afternoon in the house, so I decided to go hiking in the canyons. 

I hiked the CCC trail which starts at the bottom of the canyon and goes to the rim. It's a very rocky trail with a lot of stepping up over boulders.  I like hiking during the week because there aren't as many people hiking. I saw about 8 people on the trail.  Seeing couples hiking together is so hard! It just made me feel lonely and made me miss D so much!  About the halfway mark for the trail there is a memorial bench.  I sat down on that bench and just cried. I cried because I miss D. I cried because I'm so stupid and because I failed the relationship and had such a hard time trusting him.  As I was hiking, I would remember hiking with him. I would pass cactus and bushes with thorns and would remember how he would tell me to watch out for them so I wouldn't get hurt.  Now he's not here to watch out for me anymore!  

I'm crying as I type this.  When will this sadness end?  

Devastation