Devastation

 May 02, 2026 

Saturday 

 No job yet.  I've been on 3 interviews.  

I'm starting over.  I never wanted this to happen.  

I hate staying with my parents. 

Wednesday was a good day.  My friend T called and we went and had coffee.  We had a good talk. Then I got my nails done.  In the evening I went to church and sat with my friend and counselor J.  But I am still dealing with loneliness.  As I left the church parking lot, I could see people standing around talking.  J had stopped and was talking to a woman.  Seeing all of this just made me feel lonely.  I hate being alone. 

I don't want to be alone!  I want a boyfriend - husband.  I want a partner.  

I have to trust God. I left a sinful relationship.  We were having pre-marital sex and God plainly states in the Bible that pre-marital sex is a sin.  But I can't take credit for leaving the relationship because I was forced to leave. I didn't want to.  

Thursday, I had an interview in the morning with TPC.  It was for a case manager position with the mobile crisis team.  I don't think I will get it.  I have no experience as a case manager even though I do have the degree. He said they had a lot of applicants.  I am sure they will hire someone with more experience. All I can do is pray and keep applying. I know that God will find me the right job. I just have to trust him.  But that is something I don't do very well. 

After the interview I went home. I was hoping to have some time alone in the house before my parents came back from the barn. I drove by the back to see if the truck was there and it was gone. Thinking that they had both gone to the barn like they normally do, I walked into the house but then I saw the bathroom door was closed in their bedroom and I realized my dad hadn't gone. I just didn't want to be around him so, I decided to go to the barn and see the horses. After spending time at the barn, I didn't really want to spend the afternoon in the house, so I decided to go hiking in the canyons. 

I hiked the CCC trail which starts at the bottom of the canyon and goes to the rim. It's a very rocky trail with a lot of stepping up over boulders.  I like hiking during the week because there aren't as many people hiking. I saw about 8 people on the trail.  Seeing couples hiking together is so hard! It just made me feel lonely and made me miss D so much!  About the halfway mark for the trail there is a memorial bench.  I sat down on that bench and just cried. I cried because I miss D. I cried because I'm so stupid and because I failed the relationship and had such a hard time trusting him.  As I was hiking, I would remember hiking with him. I would pass cactus and bushes with thorns and would remember how he would tell me to watch out for them so I wouldn't get hurt.  Now he's not here to watch out for me anymore!  

I'm crying as I type this.  When will this sadness end?  

Devastation