Day One
April 11, 2026
Leaving New Mexico
Still so raw.
It's only been three days since I left. I don't want to be here. I didn't want to leave.
So many regrets. I'm still in shock. I just can't believe what I did. Am I crazy? Being with you
in New Mexico was all I ever wanted. I feel like my life is over.
I want to go back. I want to start again. I want to rewind time.
To the end of my days, I will love you.
I love your family too. I can't believe I will never see them again.
But why? Why did I jeopardize all that I loved?
Why did that come out of my mouth? I feel like someone else said it.... someone else used my mouth to utter those words.
But no. It was me. I have single handedly ruined my life.
Leaving was horrible. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay. I asked you so many times if you were sure you wanted me to leave. I gave you so many chances to change your mind. I kept waiting for you to change your mind and ask me to stay. To fight for us. To agree to go to counseling. But you just kept saying No.
You looked so sad when I was leaving. You had tears in your eyes. We hugged 3 times. I said I didn't want to leave. You said, "Just get better".
I love your hugs so much. I would give anything to be able to hug you again. I would give anything to be able to be with you again. I keep hoping I'll get a text or a phone call from you saying you made a mistake and when can I come back? I know it's wishful thinking. I have this fantasy where I will look out the window and see your truck pull up. And then I run out to you and hug you and you say that you love me too much to give up on me and to please come back. And you help me move back and we work together to build trust and a strong relationship.
It's just a fantasy. I know that.
 |
| I love you. |
